Validate Her Get More Sex
Speaker 1: 00:03 Mm,
Speaker 2: 00:08 welcome to make more love not war. This is the first episode of our podcast on Terah Harrison. I'm a licensed professional counselor and I specialize in relationship therapy. I'm a relationship expert and I've really loved working with couples and especially men trying to help them understand how to get more sex, less arguing in their relationships. It's a lot more simple than you would think.
Speaker 3: 00:36 And I am her husband, Jeff Harrison and I'm more of the layman's man point of view in this whole podcast. So it's obviously going to be mainly Terah in this. So. So why, why in the world did we even think about doing anything like this? Like what, what did you find, you know, we've been talking about this for probably over a year now to do something like this and you know, between, you know, you know, just friends that we have and things like that. And then also what you've been doing with your private practice. What are some of the things that you noticed that you feel like is missing out there for most guys?
Speaker 2: 01:23 Well, I think something is missing for both men and women. For Women, I think women have a hard time understanding the importance of sex for men and what it means and also, and then men have difficulty understanding the importance of emotional safety for women and even what that means and the fact is is that they're. They both mean the same thing. Emotional safety for women means connection. It means feeling heard. It means feeling loved. It means feeling respected, and sex means the same thing. For men, sex is the way, the biggest way that men connect with their partners and it's how they feel love and how they feel respected and, and my work with couples, I see people all the time in a standstill. A woman is saying, I need that emotional safety or I can't. I just can't have sex. Like I need that safety. I want sex, but I can't do it if I don't feel safe. And the man is saying, well, I would really do all the things that can make you feel safe. If I could just get sex and then I would know, I feel I'm okay.
Speaker 3: 02:27 Yeah, so it's like a vicious circle that's going around there. Then neither one of them are getting anything that they want. So what? Where does that usually go for most of the couples? Like what? What happens? Like how do they. Do they ever get over it? Is it just why there's so much divorce out there.
Speaker 2: 02:44 It's really hard to work with that with couples. So what I've found that has worked the best is when I work with men one on one and because this is the thing, is that I'm not going to tell a woman will go ahead and have sex with him even if you don't feel and then he'll give you the emotional safety that you want. It always has to start. It has to start with the man providing the emotional safety first. You just. I mean you can't do it. I mean men have the power in this to get more sex for themselves. They just don't know how. So that to me is why I want to reach as many men as I can to help them understand this emotional safety. What is it? How do I provide it? Because then you could get more sex in your relationship. And so can your wife, partner, girlfriend, whatever, and you're both going to be so much happier because women want sex just as much as men do. We want it and we get so pissed off with you guys when we can't feel safe with you. And then we, we don't get sex either and it just, you know, it sucks for both people.
Speaker 3: 03:47 But what do you mean safety? I mean, like I, I think most guys out there like, you know, I'm not beating
Speaker 2: 03:52 her,
Speaker 3: 03:53 we're paying, uh, you know, helping take care of the home where you know, your car is safe, you know, like what is that? What are you talking about? Like what? From our perspective, we're like, well, we are being safe. So
Speaker 4: 04:07 what do we have? What do we have to do?
Speaker 2: 04:11 Well, what you're talking about, his physical safety and that is super important of course. Um, so you're providing, you're, you're being gentle, you know, you're, you're not hurting her physically or tape. Making sure her car has gas or making sure you know, like it's inspected, et cetera. Like she, she can drive around. Okay. All of that stuff is super important and I think men see that as providing emotional safety because you're doing something for your taking an action for her and that does not go unrecognized. That is important, but the emotional safety for women is feeling heard, feeling validated, like you see me. You can. You can understand my feelings because women communicate feeling to feeling. When we're talking, we're not only listening to words, it's what's under the words. It's the feeling under the words we're looking at. The body language of the other woman were, you know, all of those things are so important for a woman to feel heard and validated and loved. And so you feel like you're doing all those things. So as you're doing these wonderful things for them and they still don't feel validated and that could be very frustrating for you because you feel like you're doing it all and so it. And then you're like, well, what else does she want from me?
Speaker 4: 05:26 Okay,
Speaker 3: 05:26 but what is validation? What, what are you talking about? Like A. I mean, I spend time with you and we went and did things and we went out to eat and you know, I tell you, you're beautiful and everything. What, what is, what's missing? Like what are you talking about was the validation.
Speaker 2: 05:44 So validation is, I mean, the simplest way I can say it is, it's when a woman is talking to you about something, whatever it is, the natural thing for a man to want to do because this is how men communicate with other. So it's totally natural. Man wants to provide solutions or fix the issue and that works really well and a lot of situations it works well in business. It works well when you're talking with another man. It pretty much always tanks when you're talking to a woman because often a woman already has her solution in mine, but she just wants you to understand how she feels about it. So that might look like your wife comes home to you. And um, she's been at work your home already and she's telling you something about just how her day was super shitty at work and she's telling you about issue.
Speaker 2: 06:34 She was dealing with with her boss, and so for you as a man, you're thinking, well, okay, so she wants me to help her figure out how to deal with her boss and I got this. I've got some. I have some really good input for her, and so you provide it and then she gets upset and she said, you didn't even hear what I said, and you're like, uh, yeah, I did. I responded to it. That's not what she wants. So this can be very relieving to you. You do not have to provide her a solution or fix it. What you do have to do is be a detective and be looking and listening for her feelings. So what she did with their face, what's your body doing? A, what did she say? A feeling because that would make it really easy. You know, like, hi, I'm so frustrated with my boss today. This is what she did and this is what I did, and etc. Etc. She gave you one right away. It was frustration and then she gave you several others. So maybe in the end she's feeling super overwhelmed with all of the feelings that she's trying to process with her boss. So it's really listening for that and you don't have to be thinking of a solution so you can just let that go. You don't have to do it.
Speaker 3: 07:48 But that just seems so hard for guys because, you know, we want to be the hero that, yeah, okay. Oh, obviously this is a problem and she, uh, you know, this is obviously affecting her and we want to help fix this problem. And, and, and then whenever we come up with this awesome solution to fix whatever is going on with you and your boss and you get even more upset with us, like were, were being jerks at this point. and we're kind of like, what in the world is going on when I came up with an awesome solution to this problem, it should totally calm you down. EverythIng great. And what you're saying is that's were we're actually just making it worse.
Speaker 2: 08:31 Yeah, I know. It's totally confusing, isn't it? So let me give you a little mantra you can use in your head and you're going to be familiar with this, especially if you ever played a sport. I heard a lot in baseball or softball when I played a. Okay, so this is what it is. Suck it up and walk it off. So I'm going to explain this. Okay? So your wife comes to you and she's. We're going through that scenario. You heard it, you know she's talking about her boss. Your first instinct, your first thing that comes up is, oh, I'm gonna. Find a solution. I'm going to be a hero. I'm going to help her solve this. And then she's going to be so happy. Suck that up. You can recognize it. Okay? I really want to solve our problem, but this is how you can be a hero is when you understand her feelings and you validate them.
Speaker 2: 09:19 Oh my god, that makes her lucy goosey, juicy. and so this is what that looks like. So she's talking about the problem. Okay? so your, your brain wants to focus on the problem, right? I mean, that's where it goes. So suck that up. That's not what she wants from this situation. She wants you to focus on her feelings. So when that happens, you tell your brain, okay, brain, suck that up. Now, feelings, feelings, feelings, feelings, and you start trying to listen to feelings. If that solution focus stuff comes up again, suck it up. She wants you to focus on her feelings and then you can be a hero and validating feelings. That's a second step. That's when you're a real Jedi master. Okay? So the validating feelings looks like this. I can see that you are super frustrated and I think that is a very frustrating situation because your boss did not even listen to your input on that. And that must be very distressing to you because you worked so hard on that project. Oh my god. Now you are her hero forever. You heard her, that makes her feel so safe and loved. Now she is visualizing touching your penis. It's as simple as that.
Speaker 1: 10:42 Okay.
Speaker 3: 10:44 So, um, so here she is, she's, you know, looking at you in a totally different way now. And you know, really all you're saying is what you do is you just simply
Speaker 2: 11:00 right,
Speaker 3: 11:00 say the exact thing of how she's feeling. That's it. That's the. If we just did that, if we sat back, she tells us this big, huge long problem with her boss and then all we gotta do is just say, oh, well that's frustrating. And that's it.
Speaker 2: 11:17 That's step one. That's the, that is reflecting the feeling. step two is the validation. That is the big one.
Speaker 2: 11:25 That is when you're using your, this is, okay, this is a, a high level, this is a high level one because your go, okay, first you're, you're, you're reflecting or feeling. So you don't necessarily have to feel that feeling to reflect it. But the validation requires some empathy. So it's you putting yourself in her shoes and thinking, yeah, that's frustrating. And how would you feel if you were boss, you had worked on a project and your boss just totally, you know, didn't even, didn't even recognize you for it. Well, you would feel. How would you feel, you think?
Speaker 3: 12:04 Probably very similar, but in our way of looking at it is, you know, the way you feel is not that important,
Speaker 2: 12:13 but the way she feels is important. So let's go through this again. How would you feel? This is where women start to get frustrated, but we're gonna we're gonna work through it.
Speaker 3: 12:27 Well, probably frustrated and just not.
Speaker 5: 12:30 I'm a
Speaker 3: 12:37 just not feeling like he has much worse. Like may, maybe I just don't have as much worth or value to the company or, or to the boss or whatever. So
Speaker 2: 12:48 yeah. That's great. Yeah. So she's feeling maybe she's struggling with that feeling of worth. So number three step this would be even more awesome is then building her up. That is when you really got it. so that could sound something like that is so incredibly frustrating. I understand how you putting all this work into what you're doing makes you feel then like you're not. The company does not value your worth and then you could let her know, you know, I see how much work that you put into that and I saw that you worked super hard on it. You are very dedicated, you spent extra hours on it and you sacrificed a lot to make that project awesome. And that's why it is so incredibly frustrating and really devastating for you that this the way that your boss responded to it. No, that is a beautiful response.
Speaker 3: 13:54 So basically you don't even bring up any kind of solution to the actual problem that she had at all.
Speaker 1: 14:02 Okay.
Speaker 2: 14:02 No, when you bring up a sill. Okay, so look, this is where walk it off, comes into it. Okay. So if suck it up is not working and you just have to give her a solution, you just can't stay. That's when you say, honey, this is super important to me and I want to think about how I can respond to you on this and I'll get. I just take a moment so you can actually literally walk it off, go take a little walk around the block, come back and really think about the second part and the. So as you're walking it off, you're basically learning to suck it up because. And then I'm not saying deny your own feelings, but you can regulate them yourself. You're telling yourself, oh man, I'm really struggling because I really want to solve this. I have awesome solutions to this problem. Like I know what I'm talking about. I've been in this situation, you know, do all your own self talk, talk it out to yourself and then remind yourself, but that's not what she wants. And that's okay. And then the end goal, remember, the more I can give her this, the safer she's going to feel with me in the more connected she will feel, and then I will get more sex. And the more connected I will feel.
Speaker 2: 15:17 So working through your own,
Speaker 6: 15:20 um,
Speaker 2: 15:22 I guess you're your own instincts of how to respond is so worth it because once you develop this skill and it takes a while to develop because it's not natural for you, I get that. But the more you develop it, the more safe she's going to feel in the relationship, the more connected you'll both feel more sexual, both get. So just remind yourself what the end goal is and why this is worth this.
Speaker 3: 15:50 So you're almost saying that this would be something that. I mean, I, I've never heard anY bit yellow through all my life growing up. I'd never heard anybody explain to me,
Speaker 6: 16:01 okay,
Speaker 3: 16:01 this specific scenario and I've literally beat my head against the wall over and over and over again with, with women on this same same matter. And,
Speaker 6: 16:12 uh,
Speaker 3: 16:13 why do you think that something that seems to women is probably very basic? Because whenever I see women talking to each other, it's almost as if when they talk to each other, almost every word, every,
Speaker 6: 16:28 um,
Speaker 3: 16:29 no gesture, every little thing is just dialing in the other way. The other female feels like it's just, you're dialing in feeling. And for guys we just don't have that at all. Do you, do you notice that women just why do you think women inherently have this aBility and they just think that we should have it?
Speaker 1: 16:52 Okay.
Speaker 2: 16:54 Well, with out going too far into it, I mean, I think evolutionary psychology explains how our brains developed as hunters and gatherers. And so again, I'm not going to go too far into that, but just basically women have came from a gathering brain, which means you have to be able to talk to other people and you have to be able to since their needs. And also, um, as primary care givers, women have children, which, you know, the roles are changing with that, which is amazing. But, um, women have for years been primary caregiver caregivers. You, you just have to be able to attune to a child's needs. And we do that with each other too because we were, were entered opinion, we all connect with each other that way. Men as hunters really didn't need to be able to do that. They need to be purposeful, focused in solution focused. So we just have, our brains have evolved differently. And um, I think understanding that difference is really important and accepting it. Like, my, my brain is not like yours and yours isn't like mine, but we need to learn to be able to honor each other's needs with that because we just have different needs because our brains are different.
Speaker 3: 18:06 Okay. So, so far we basically are telling the guys that, okay, this is just the way it is, this is what girls need. They need you to, you know, you're going to have to totally just step aside all the stuff that, that just comes natural to you. Uh, is this just a one sided street? I mean the guys just need to learn this or is what, what is, what is the women have to do out there on the other side of this?
Speaker 2: 18:40 Yeah, no, I mean it's totally not a one way street. I mean, I think the biggest thing for that women have to work through is understanding how important sexist men and what it is that it's not, oh, we have a lot of things to work through with sex because the average guy, uh, he, he doesn't think about sex the way we fear that he might. Um, and we have a lot to work through as women about how sex has been used for control and violence. Um, but that is not what sex is about. For most men. Sex is about connection for most minutes is about love. It is about intimacy, um, it's not about control and it's not something that they, they are taking from you. It's something that they're giving to you and that you can give to each other. So I think that's a big thing, a big realization for a lot of women that I've talked to what sex actually means to men.
Speaker 2: 19:40 So I think the more that women can understand that and know that it's going back to your comment earlier of wanting to be a hero, that's a place that meant also would love to be a hero is in the bedroom and pleasing a woman is really important to them. So, um, I think that's a huge thing. And then also being, we just, it's just really understanding and acceptance that we both need to have of each other. For a woman to come towards a man and say, hey look, I'm a, I had a really bad day at work. I want to tell you about it. I don't need you to fix it. I just need you to listen. Is huge. Because then he can know what his mission is. And so then he can say, okay brain, we're going to suck it up and we're going to walk it off, we're going to listen for her feelings and then we're going to go even further and we're going to dig down into our hearts for what kind of empathy we can have for that. And then we're going to respond brain. That's what we're gonna do. And it really helps on a woman's from a, for a man, for a woman to be able to let him know what she needs before starts talking. We can't always do that. But that's, I mean. And, and, and a man and man can't always respond with the way that women need them to respond either. So we also need grace and understanding of each other. It goes back to understanding again.
Speaker 3: 21:02 Yeah, I mean that's what I was really wanting to know was so, so the woman comes home in keeping with that same scenario that we're talking about. It comes home from work and I mean if women are just naturally thinking, oh, this guy is going to, my husband's going, or you're a person I'm with is, is going to re reflective, listen, and he's going to validate my feelings and all that stuff. if they're thinking that's what's going to happen, just it just ultimately gonna happen. Like they keep, they keep banging their head against the wall where you know, everyday he keeps going home and he's trying to solve my problem. He's trying to solve the problem. He's trying to solve the problem. And why do you think that? You know, what, what about from their side of the table to basically say, hey, he's not going to do that. I need to do, you know, like I need to realize like how do they, how do they square that?
Speaker 2: 22:02 Well, I think it's the same kind of concept for you about how you have to remind yourself of what she needs. We also need to, as women need to think about, well, what does he need? I know what I need right now. I need this emotional validation. What does he need to know to be able to provide it? And you have to tell them as women to women, we don't have to tell each other these things. We just pick them up that men are. and that doesn't mean they don't want to. That doesn't mean that they don't care. That doesn't mean anything, but just that they don't, they don't. And that's all it is. So you have to tell them there's no magic, like he's going to pick it up every time and you know, the more of a habit that it becomes, the more that he's going to respond that way. But um, he's not going to just naturally be like, oh, okay. So, uh, I'm gonna need to tell you about. I need to validate your feelings. That's just not the way his brain thinks. He, he just wants to help by providing a solution. That's just how it is. And that's okay. I mean, it works really well for them for many things.
Speaker 2: 23:06 So again, going back to understanding and acceptance and then the expression of what you need and then the other person needs to accept what you need that you're not telling them what to do, but you're just trying to help them understand what you need and it's a win win all around.
Speaker 3: 23:23 So what have you found, I mean, because you're, you have your own private practice and obviously you can't talk about individual people but you can talk just across the board. What have you noticed with guys that I like how like when you're explaining this to them and sort of coaching them into, you know, in this way of and way of acting, what, what have you noticed that they do as far as like how long does it take to grasp onto this? Do you have to role play? I mean, what do you do?
Speaker 2: 23:58 So obviously it depends, um, uh, on the, on a man. But I, I would say that it takes a couple of sessions for them to really grasp onto it. And there was definitely role play. I think the roleplay really helps to have a solid representation of what this looks like because men are very visual, so we need to create a scenario just like you and I were doing and then this is what you do in this scenario. And it was kind of like you're creating a script. Okay, she does this, I do this and it, it's not, that doesn't make it disingenuous. It just helps them know what to do. So we make a game plan. It's basically a game plan. Like, I mean, I'm not a big football fan, but I know they have like those little, what are those things called the play. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. So they have, you know, the, the place that they draw out, that's what we do. We draw up plays, okay, she does this, this is what you can do. And we think up scenarios. We go through them and um, I coached them on how to figure out what to do themselves, but they first need to have a template and that's what we work on a lot.
Speaker 1: 25:06 Okay, cool.
Speaker 2: 25:09 Alright, well I don't really have any more questions. Sounds very good.
Speaker 2: 25:16 Yeah. Well, I mean I think this is a good start and I would love for, to hear anybody's questions and um, I mean my purpose in doing this is really for everybody to get more love and connection, both men and women and for us to, to go from defensiveness to understanding each other because this is what I found in, in the, with all the couples that I've worked with is that both men and women have the same need. The need is for love and the need for connection. The needs are displayed differently. They're met differently, but it's the same need and when both people have their needs met, then you know, that's, that's the strongest team there can be.
Speaker 3: 25:59 So we're going to want to get some questions or maybe get some people to call in or what are we going to do?
Speaker 2: 26:06 Oh, okay. Yeah, right. Game plan. Um, yeah, I would definitely love that. Um, anyone that wants to send me questions, anyone that would want to be on this show that has questions and wants to call in a would love that. Um, and this is kind of an evolving process, so I just want to see what other people want from it too. So questions, suggestions. Let me give you my email address. It's my name, so not the words, my name, but my name tara harrison. So it's t e r a h a h a r r I s o firstname.lastname@example.org. I also have a website tear harrison.com if you want to go on and check it out. I have articles I've written on relationships and all that kind of stuff that might be helpful. Um, so I just love any feedback, any ideas. I'm open to it. So are we looking for people to call in so that we can, uh,
Speaker 4: 27:04 like
Speaker 2: 27:05 run through this scenario with them as well? Heck yeah. It's, I'm really just open to what, what, what you guys need. So I'm collins would be great. Anybody that wants to come on the show and just have a, you know, an ha and who has questions and wants to ask them and, and talk through things with me just like I'd done with, with jeff today. Love to do that. So I'm really just, uh, wanting to see what y'all want and I'm very flexible to do whatever people need.
Speaker 4: 27:35 Great.
Speaker 2: 27:37 All right. Thank you for listening
Speaker 4: 27:38 right.